Back-to-School Tips for Divorced Co-Parents

July 28, 2010 - PRLog -- August is a busy time for parents of school-age children as they prepare for the first day of school by buying school supplies and new clothes, meeting with teachers, and scheduling carpools and after-school child care.  Once school starts, another flurry of activity ensues as children settle into their new routines, agonize over homework, and become involved in extracurricular sports and other activities.  These changes cause stress in any family, but children of divorced co-parents suffer extra anxiety when their parents aren't able to navigate them gracefully due to acrimonious relationships.

"Feelings of loss, anger and bitterness can persist for one or both members of the former couple long after the divorce papers are signed," says Deborah Hecker, PhD, a psychotherapist who specializes in divorce counseling and runs a nationwide telephone counseling service for people struggling with divorce.  "Those emotions can severely hamper an individual's ability to co-parent successfully - and when that happens, children suffer the consequences."    

Most divorced parents want to be active participants in their childrens' lives, including school and school-related events.  In many cases, step-parents are involved as well, which may increase the pressure.  "Children benefit intellectually and emotionally from a strong adult support system," says Dr. Hecker.  "Unfortunately, if there is infighting in that support system, children can internalize that tension, and that can interfere with their academic and psychological development."

Dr. Hecker offers the following tips to divorced co-parents:

-As soon as preparation for the school year gets underway, co-parents should schedule a meeting in a neutral, calm place, such as a coffee shop.  During the meeting, exchange copies of school-related information, such as schedules, and discuss logistical issues such as transportation and school supplies.  Avoid discussion of any emotional topics - focus on the facts and on meeting the child's needs.

-Hopefully, parents can be courteous to one another at school events, such as open houses, so they can attend at the same time.  If this is not possible, arrange to attend separately.  However, avoid putting your child's teacher in the middle by questioning her about or speaking negatively to her of your ex-spouse.  "Triangulating your relationship by drawing a third party into your conflicts won't help and may hurt your child's relationship with his teacher," says Dr. Hecker.            
 
-Put a folder for school papers in the suitcase or backpack your child carries back and forth for visits between his parents' homes.  Each parent can check the folder when the child is picked up from the other parent.  Using this system helps parents avoid putting the child in the middle, and also keeps the child from being responsible for papers he might lose anyway.  

-Make a commitment to be patient with your ex-spouse, as well as with step-parents.  With so many busy people involved, confusion is bound to occur at times.  View problems as opportunities to create new solutions, not fodder for fights - and if you do have a disagreement, keep your child out of it (fighting in the next room or through clenched teeth over the child's head doesn't count).  Always keep in mind that both parents love their child and that the overall goal is to to create a safe, healthy environment to enhance his growth and development as a person.  

Divorced co-parents must work together to establish arrangements that support the child's needs without putting the child in the middle of their disagreements.  Parents who fail to work together on this issue may create a destructive pattern that will create years of unhappiness for their child.  "If parents can't establish a healthy co-parenting relationship, I recommend that they seek help from a counselor or mediator," says Dr. Hecker.  "This issue is too important to ignore."  

For more tips on back-to-school co-parenting from Dr Hecker: http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/blog/2010/07/divorce-strat....  To learn more about Dr. Hecker: http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/blog/divorce-divorce-therapy/.  To schedule a FREE 50-minute consultation with Dr. Hecker, call 1-888-777-3585.

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