Handling Conflict with Honesty and Grace

Sept. 15, 2009 - PRLog -- Perhaps one of the most vulnerable of moments is when someone criticizes you.
"What doesn’t kill us can make us stronger." People are most revealing when offering praise or criticism.How can you respond to another’s criticism with honesty and grace and actually gain new insights about yourself and the other person in the process?

Whether you are with someone you love, hate, know little of, or just met, when you first realize you are being criticized, you react the same. Your heart beats faster, your skin temperature goes down, and you even lose peripheral vision.

When you focus on your feelings, you are distracted from hearing the content of the other person's comments, leaving you more likely to react rather than choosing how you want to act. Avoid a "face-off" of escalation of comments between the two of you. Picture the two of you staring at the criticism, the third point in the triangle, to work through the comments, rather than staring each other down, where one person has to be wrong.

Look to Other People's Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear to Have None

You are your most disarming when you compliment someone else for taking the time to give you feedback. You take the wind out of their sails. The other person might even backtrack. Yet our first instincts are to look for the ways we are right and others are… less right. In responding to criticism, the momentum of defensive emotions builds fast.Because we mentally focus on the smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing about the dumb, thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is doing, leading us to take a superior or righteous position, get more rigid, and listen less as the criticism continues.

Difficult as you might find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and the other person’s best side as you engage in responding to the criticism. Act as if They mean well, especially if they appear not to — not for their sake, but for yours.  The more you can look to someone else’s positive intent, the greater the likelihood you can respond to their comments before they add more or elaborates.

Follow this easy-to-remember four-step process when responding to criticism.

Step One: Acknowledge

Acknowledge that you heard the person — with a pause (buys time for both of you to cool off), a nod, or a verbal acknowledgment demonstrating you heard. Whether the criticism is justified or not, an attempt to avoid discussing it will loom large in the minds of bystanders and stick to you like flypaper as you attempt to move on. Do not disagree or counterattack.

Prove you have heard the person’s comment perhaps by saying, "I understand you have a concern" Avoid blaming or "bad-labeling" language  which only pours hot coals on the heat of escalation and hardens the person into a position with an urge to elaborate.

Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and stay focused on the issue, not the feelings or personalities. Go slow to go faster later in reaching agreement about how to resolve the criticism. The more fully the other person feels heard, the more likely she will be receptive to your response, whether to agree or disagree.

There may be only one, apparently small point, but starting with the positive creates some momentum forward. If, in listening, you can find no point of agreement, refer to the part of the person's positive self-image that might have inspired him to raise his concerns. For example, you might say, " I understand you want to be very thorough in how you approach these matters" or "I know that you really care about this project…"

Add your own point of view. If you believe the other’s comments are accurate, say so. If an apology is in order, give it sooner rather than later. Then say what you plan to do differently to respond to the criticism. Ask for the person’s response to your comments and again say thanks for being thoughtful in offering them. If you find truth in the criticism, the sooner you verbally agree, the more likely you will engender respect from the other person and any others who witness the interaction.

Here are some other ways to respond to criticism:

Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Laps

If someone is verbally dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter, or counterattack in midstream, which only prolongs and intensifies her comments.

Ask the person to propose a solution to the issue being raised.

In this way, you can remove yourself from the tone of that discussion and put the other person in the position of initiating follow-up.



Nobody wants to be told they are wrong. Whenever you have reason to believe someone is lying or not making sense, you will not build rapport by pointing it out to them.


Learn How Personalities Clash

To gain insights into the kinds of people most likely to criticize you and those you are most likely to criticize, learn more about your personality type according to the classic Myers-Briggs process.



Demonstrate Visible Good Will Up Front

When criticized, you are more likely to find resolutions sooner if the other person comes to trust your positive intent. Demonstrate your willingness to find a compromise and your ability to be genial, even — and especially — if you don’t like the person or the situation. Often the best solution to a criticism leaves both parties a little unhappy, but not enough to retaliate later on. You are both somewhat satisfied with your compromise and willing to move on.



Know that "Less is Often More"

Especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less, and keep your motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors increase the chances others will feel more safe and comfortable around you.



Act to Enable Them to Save Face and You Will Preserve the Relationship

If you think someone is lying, keep asking questions (until you lose control or run out of imagination) rather than accusing them of misrepresentation. Asking questions gives you time to see if you were mistaken, thus possibly saving face for yourself, while gently cornering them to make a self-admission that they were mistaken and volunteer an alternative. You also leave room to escalate later.

Honor commonalities more frequently than bringing up the differences.   Whatever you refer to most and most intensely will be the center of your relationship. Keep referring to the part of them and their points that you can support and want to expand upon.



Let Them See It Differently

If the other person does not accept your response at first, consider making the same suggestion later on and in a different way. Do not overlook rearranging elements of the same suggestion or offering to find a more mutually attractive compromise.



Choose Your Approach

Contemplate how you say what you say. Consider the other perspective in how you make any request. For example, a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke while praying, which led to a negative answer. Yet if he’d asked if he could pray while smoking, he might have received a more positive response. In considering any of these ways to respond to criticism, know that the worst way is to keep it inside and festering. Your reactions always show, one way or the other.

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