Happy Panticide Indictment - Part 2

June 30, 2011 - PRLog -- When asked for his opinion of the indictment, a member of the crowd at the rally - who refused to identify himself for fear of having the shit kicked out of him if he did - read from a crumpled-up piece of paper, ‘Foreign imperialists are trying to topple the wonderful dicta… democratically elected government of the honorable and venerable President Mugabe. Mr Mugabe boosted Zimbabwe’s inflation rate to eighty-five trillion per cent last year. It is the best in the world. Less than half of all children in Harare are malnourished. Cholera has affected only sixty-percent of all neighborhoods in the capital this year. President Mugabe is turning this country into a paradise!’

The man was later seen being escorted away by policemen and given a wheelbarrow filled with thirty-five thousand unmarked eighteen hundred thousand ZSD notes. He rushed into a shop to buy a liter of milk. They were sold out so he went around the corner to another shop, by which time his money could only buy half a liter of milk. He was later mugged and removed of his wheelbarrow-wielding duties. In despair, he sold his wife into slavery and received a three-legged donkey, which carried him out into the countryside to a certain death from starvation.

The notes he was awarded were printed an hour earlier by a man in his early forties operating a hand-cranked printing press on the other side of central Harare’s main street, Great Mugabe Boulevard. The man – who declined to be identified because ‘are you fucking serious, brother?’ – said he had been making Zimbabwean silly dollars for twenty years and had never seen such demand. ‘Every day, the government man come to me and he say, ‘Hey Peter Magamamba, please add another zero, man.’

‘You see this note,’ the man continued, holding up a folded, but freshly pressed six trillion-dollar bill, ‘it is the size of the presidential palace… almost. It come from six trees, man. Know why? I have to make big like that to fit all the fucking zeros. Who they think they kidding, ya know?’ The man interviewed was later seen being bludgeoned to death by baseball bat wielding memb… security officials.

Another man interviewed – who also declined the opportunity to be identified for reasons related to his personal security – read from a different script, ‘I agree with whatever it was that President Mugabe said today. Zimbabwe has an HIV infection rate of only 77%. Only three years ago, in 1976, it was 234-to-the-power-of-eight percent. Mugabe established a brilliant policy to defeat AIDS. He calls it the Cart Horse Opposite Layout for the Eradication of Rabies and AIDS policy (CHOLERA for short). Colloquially it is known as the horse before the cart policy. Also known as the cholera policy. Nobody in Zimbabwe gets old enough to catch HIV because cholera kills us first! Plus, there are only two ways to catch AIDS – from prostitutes, homosexuals and sex with monkeys. I mean three. Zimbabwe has no homosexuals, our monkeys are not promiscuous and we have no prostitutes.’

When questioned as to what the skimpily dressed woman was doing standing on a street corner haggling over money with a man behind him, he replied, ‘OK, then, we have one prostitute.’ When questioned as to the likely professions of the nineteen women dressed in similar attire on nineteen street corners in a row along the same boulevard, the man replied, ‘Uhm… like I said, our monkeys are not promiscuous. You see no monkeys on the corners, right?’ The man was last seen attempting to extract himself from a barbed wire fence separating the country from South Africa.

Albert Gamon, the sole surviving member of the Zim-HAC, the Zimbabwe Homosexual Action Committee, agrees that there are no homosexuals (left) in Zimbabwe, suggesting most of them have moved to London where they could expect more employment opportunities. Gamon now runs a company in which employees pose as the offspring of former Filipino presidents to scam money from Nigerian con artists. He lives in London with thirteen presidents-in-exile from sub-Saharan Africa, six reformed Central Asian militants now advising the British government on ways to secretly invade the public’s privacy and one of the almost half a million Iranians in the UK, all of whom refer to themselves as ‘dissidents’.

A government official from the Zimbabwean Ministry of Information Scrambling claimed yesterday afternoon that former opposition front man and current Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai had approved of Mugabe’s response to the tribunal’s decision. When pressed as to what impact Mr Tsvangirai’s opinion might have on the government, the official shuffled away behind the bushes and drank a bottle of his own urine. Government sources suggested the official was found dead last night in his home from a gunshot wound to the… natural causes. Even after his death, the official declined to be identified, citing possible recriminations against his ghost. (Urine drinking is banned under Zimbabwean law, as it is considered a threat to public safety insofar as its intention is to avoid drinking water - which usually causes cholera – posing a risk of one day contracting the HIV virus.)

President Mugabe is not expected to attend the tribunal hearings, which are set to commence in April of 2065 after an eight-year court recess. In 2065 the current president would be 140-years-old, almost six times the average life expectancy in Zimbabwe. He is not expected to still be alive, although a wax dummy of his likeness may be available for questioning, (but is expected to exercise its right to remain stone-silent.)

- In related news, the UN War Crimes Tribunal is currently hearing a genocide case in which the defendant, a former prime minister of the Congo, is accused in absentia of ordering the mass killing of civilians in 1564. Delays are anticipated when the judges go on summer recess for half a decade next week in southern France. The case has proven difficult to prosecute as none of the players involved – including parties to the case and witnesses – remain alive.

- In other related news, the Zimbabwean Tourist Council, which complains of having little to do anymore, has released the lyrics of the country’s new national anthem, called ‘Ban Ki Moon, You Make Me Sick.’ It is as follows:

Verse
Ban Ki Moon
Ban Ki Moon
You live on the fucking moon

Where are you?
I often wonder
Zimbabwe better than Rwanda

Ban Ki Moon
With diarrhoea
You go back to North Korea

Ban Ki Moon
You got no guanxi
Leave alone our fucking currency

Ban Ki Moon
Condemn too fast
Stick the UN up your arse

Ban Ki Moon
No last name
Hang your head in fucking shame

Zimbabwe
Have no armament
Keep your hands off Zimbabwe government

Zimbabwe
Africa breadbasket
Got nice trees… do not mask it

Ban Ki Moon
You make me sick
And you… make me sick to the stomach too

Chorus
Zimbab-we
Zimbab-we
You come visit, anyway

Zimba-land of milk and honey
You come here to see the funny

Zimbab-we
Yay, yay, yay!
You come visit every day

Zimba-land of theft and plunder
Always lightening… never thunder