Parenting Advice: Pay Total Attention to Kids to Teach and Build Optimism

March 31, 2011 - PRLog -- The key to talking to a kid one-on-one, engaging them and having them pay attention to you is to become TOTALLY absorbed in their world and not in having them attend to yours.  Once you are in their world you have their attention and can draw them into yours.  In fact, a child’s optimism thrives on the undivided attention of an adult.  Let me give you an example.

Let us assume the following scenario.

   * The parent is home when the 2nd grade child arrives from school at 3:30 in the afternoon.  You have decided to devote the next hour entirely to the child; meaning you are going to spend the hour devoted to her needs, listening to her, reflecting back or paraphrasing what you heard her say, and giving some choices about some of the activities you will do together.  Finally, assume she has a little snack and then you two will spend the next hour in a one-to-one without cell phone, email, TV, neighbor, or text message interruption.  Your plan is to engage in doing some school/homework for about twenty minutes and then move to “fun” activities that are child selected.

Here some specific steps that can make for a very positive hour.

Initial Engagement of Thoughts and Feelings of the Child

  1. Engage the child with a positive and warm smile as she comes in the house, and tell her how much you have been looking forward to her coming home.
  2. Check the child’s non-verbal or verbal behavior to see whether she is in an up or downbeat mood.
  3. Make a mental note of your assessment and then ask: “How was your day?” or “Hey, how’s it going.”
  4. If the child gives a monosyllable answer, just nod and move onto the snack.  If she says something more extended then paraphrase or summarize it without evaluation.  This communication act let’s the child know you are listening and attending to them.  Begin putting the snack out.
  5. If the child is quiet, but looks upset it is OK to describe what you see:  “You have a frown on your face.  Is everything OK.”  If she talks, great.  If not, say, “OK, but you know I am here to listen if you need someone to.”  At some point during the hour she will open up and share if you remain totally engaged and she does have something on her mind.
  6. Ask another open ended question such as:  “What else went on today?”  Then  share something about YOUR day. Finish the snack.

Engaging the Child in the School Task

  1. Because you spent the last 15 minutes attending to the child and her needs, your request to do homework will be more easily received with less argumentation and more cooperation.
  2. Now you say, “What do you have to do from school?”
  3. The child says: “A math worksheet. But, can we do that later?”  Here is where the parent exercises some direction and authority.  The parent says: “You know we do our work first, then we do the more fun stuff.  This will only take a few minutes and I will be right here to help you with it.” Because you are totally engaged and devoting your time to the child, she will agree and begin.    
  4.  As the child begins the worksheet, engage with her in a friendly and problem solving manner.  If she makes a mistake in her subtraction, say, “Hmm, I am wondering how you got that answer?”  “What strategy did you use?”  “Well, OK, but when I hold up ten fingers and take away three, how many do you see that I have left.”  Child says, “seven?” You say, “I am wondering if that is the answer to the question.”
  5. You keep repeating this process for twenty minutes, always fully engaged and interactive with the child.

Fun Time

  1. After completion of the homework.  Say OK it is time for some fun activities.  Then give a choice.  Say, “I have three things we could do together. We could get started/finish our craft project, play one of these two games, or you could begin making a card for Dad’s birthday.”
  2. After the child chooses, then let the child direct the interaction.  Ask, “What do you want me to do?” Or, “Do you want to use crayons or markers.”  Go with their direction, be supportive, and non-critical.
  3. If the child gets stuck or negative towards himself, say: “Have you thought about trying this approach or doing it that way.”  Or, “I see the problem; you are having trouble cutting the paper.  How about I cut the paper and you make the drawing?”  Then let the child take the lead again.

Time-Up and Follow-Up

After an hour has passed, say to the child, “It is time to wrap it up.”  Then help her to pick up; share equally in this clean-up activity just as you would expect a friend of the child’s to do.  You can structure it up with a few suggestions to make it go quicker.  Staying engaged and partnering up will build happiness, self-worth and optimism as the child learns to value herself as someone who is worthy of such total parental attention.

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At Moment-to-Moment: Our mission is to teach "skilled optimism"- how let go of a negative in a moment; view life as one continuous learning curve with multiple "do-over" opportunities. Products include a daily blog, seminars, publications, speaking, radio show, & coaching.