Can a Parent be A Friend also?

Nov. 12, 2010 - PRLog -- As the author of Parent In Peace, found at  http://www.parentinpeace.com  
I am presented with many parenting topics.  One question I am often asked is how to balance being a parent and friend. I tell my own children, I am your parent first, friend next.  If you take this stand and stay a parent first, it is possible to be friends with your child.  As long as your children stay within the rules and boundaries that are set for them, you can learn to be more than parents to your kids. With this said there really is more of a complicated pattern that I would like to explain.
Picture two strings with the beginning ends far apart- the middle running parallel sometimes crossing each other and then the right side the strings are moving apart again. This is how your relationship should go with your child.  The beginning being parent only, the middle part is about balancing parent/friend and the latter part mostly friend with a small amount of parenting here and there. When our children are first born we are all parent and furthest from friends. We nurture their every need.  When they move into toddler stages and you might hear them say something cute like, I do it. From this point on, the independence slowly increases. This is the middle part of the string, the balance between parent/friend. In middle school, they want you to drop them off around the corner, so no one can tell they have parents.  In high school, half the time you want to drop them around the block, so no one can tell they are your children! (j/k Kyle J)
As they become teens they naturally start to wean away from you and this is where your parental role and friendship role need to be clearly defined.  They want the independence, which is natural, but they also need your protection still.  This is where your family rules and boundaries are ESSENTIAL to have in place.  Let your system discipline for you; let the system keep them in their boundaries.  At this age they will be hot to argue your parental system.  I tell my kids, the system is an inanimate object that cannot be argued.  Rules are rules follow them and everything is fine, don’t and suffer the consequences- your choice! The good news; when they hit early adult hood and move out is when you can truly become a friend to them.  I am now in the stage of looking forward to this with my oldest!  He just turned 18 and we have been weaning towards complete independence for a couple of years now.  We have worked very hard at this because the last thing I want is for him to go away to college and fall flat on his face.  He will hopefully be able to reflect on his experiences, rules and boundaries to know right from wrong.  Am I blinded to think he will be perfect and not make mistakes? NOOOOO Way, but I have to hope that he will use his common sense, better judgment and his years of consequences.  We used The Consequence System http://www.parentinpeace.com in our home for the last 9 years.  
Now that we have established the ‘when’ lets look at how.  What does being friends mean? If you have your boundaries set this should not be a difficult position to transition into.  If you do not have any set boundaries and rules in your family, this parent/friendship situation is doomed. My book can help you establish these in your home, order at www.parentinpeace.com.  It is a must for boundaries to be set and your children need to understand them so that your relationship with them can be enjoyable for both of you.

Some main points to remember
·   Show your child love, but do not smother them
·   Do not get too deep into their personal lives, friends, relationships
·   Remember, being a parent is more important- it is ok to say NO
·   They should remember you are their provider and should respect that
·   They need to follow their rules/boundaries and take consequences for misbehavior
·   Your must maintain a good role model for your child.  They will be looking for advice and guidance from you.  I have repeated this quote a million times; your best mirror is your child.  
Children need rules, and even if you are their friend they need to understand that breaking the rules has its consequences because first and foremost, you are their mom or dad. To learn more about how to set your family rules/boundaries and The Consequence System visit my website at www.parentinpeace.com
Carrie Tappan    
Parent in Peace LLC.
http://www.parentinpeace.com

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Parent in Peace LLC represents the series of "In Peace" books written by Carrie Tappan. The company goal is to grow the 'In Peace' movement and train parents and children to better communicate by using the tools taught in her books and C/D's