China Braces For Stantet Offensive

Jan. 14, 2010 - PRLog -- Chinese officials in Beijing have hunkered down in anticipation of a 2010 Stantet Offensive, predicted for the first day of the new year in the Stantonian Calendar.

Critical public and infrastructure facilities have been ordered shut, with extra security placed at several sensitive government installations. Alcohol dispensing facilities around the city have been closed until further notice. The Stantons deny having any designs on Beijing itself, citing an intention to remain within the Truman Show glass walls of Shunyi District.

However, this has not placated anxious Chinese officials. Government spokesman Bi Ha Pi says, “We will not be taking any chances.” Another official close to the story, who refused to be named because his mates laugh at him every time he gets quoted in the newspaper, said “Shunyi is only 450 thousand miles away from Beijing. If traffic is good, you can reach it in seventy-three light years. In China, that’s nothing. My grandmother travels eight light years to go to the store to buy tofu.”

China has long been wary of any proposed Stantet Offensive. A plot as recent as July 2009 was thwarted when the Stantons were granted asylum in Vietnam, seen as a conciliatory gesture by the Vietnamese to Beijing in the wake of the Ferret Arsehole Coffee Bean Scandal. This latest threat is considered by many experts to be a surprise. As Rod Wielder, Chief China Strategist for the Wife-beaters Against New Korn Albums Society (WANKAS), says, “We have been monitoring the situation closely for many months, as the distance between Hanoi and Beijing is not large. But we simply did not see this coming.”

Greg Stanton’s growing reputation in the region as a hired thug since being controversially signed to the Hanoi Swans has not helped the situation. Notwithstanding this, the Chinese government maintains that, ‘any Stantet Offensive – no matter how many squirrel grips Greg has made in the past year - is a risk to the great and wonderful and truly excellent country of our country. And our squirrels are a national treasure, just like democ… special fried rice.’