Happy Thanksgiving for Divorced Families

SANTA ANA, Calif. - Nov. 14, 2014 - PRLog -- For most divorced families, Thanksgiving is the first of the big holidays that can be emotionally charged. Holiday traditions that were established when married are upended. With a shared holiday schedule, some parents are not with their children every holiday.

Most custodial schedules have an alternating Thanksgiving schedule, wherein parents may spend the Thanksgiving holiday with a child every other year. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Amy Stark, sometimes when younger age children are involved, the court will split the day in two and a parent might get to see their child for part of the holiday.

“As the person who sets the emotional tone for your children during the time they are with you, it's important for parents to create a positive tone for the change,” said Dr. Stark. “Children should have warm positive memories of the holidays, despite the divorce.”

Dr. Stark has some tips to consider:

1. What will your new tradition be? If your holiday has, in the past, revolved around your ex spouse or partner's family and friends you will need to re-think this holiday. There will, in fact, be a need for two separate Thanksgiving plans... one for when you have the holiday with your children and one for when you don't.
2. Your children should be told about the holiday schedule. It's less stressful for them when they know what to expect. Let them know which parent's house they are going to be, in a matter of fact way. Help them find something positive about the new arrangement.
3. Remember that you are one of your child's role models. How you handle the rotating holidays and the stress of the change becomes their emotional map for how to handle stress in the future. Don't use your child as a therapist. If you are upset, speak to another adult.
4. Teach something about the holiday. On the door to my office every year I post a history of Thanksgiving that I download from the computer. I also encourage parents to help their children focus on thankfulness... teaching them to appreciate all that they have. Some families even have a white erase board that they call their Thankfulness board. On Thanksgiving each member in the family writes something they are particularly thankful for, on the board.
5. Encourage them to call their other parent during the day to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving. If they are not with you and they call you, make sure and give the message that you are alright. Don't make them feel that they are missing something. Let them know that you are not alone so they don't feel responsible for you. Encourage them to have a good time.
6. Speak to your extended family and friends. Make sure that they do not discuss the divorce or the other parent. Sometimes the holidays are the first time extended family has seen the kids since the split up and they feel compelled to express their dislike of the other parent right in front of your children. Put a stop to it if it starts. It's harmful to your kids.
7. No matter how upset you are about everything...don't say anything bad about the other parent. Your children should not be made to feel responsible for your sad and hurt feelings. They are a part of both of their parents and when you say something bad, it hurts that part of them that is like their other parent.
8. Lastly, make sure that any exchanges during holiday times are done in the least stressful way possible. Don't make nasty comments to your ex or use the exchange to attempt to resolve divorce or financial issues. This is not the time.

Dr. Amy Stark teaches families how to be divorced. More information can be found at www.dramystark.com