April 13, 2012
-- Louis CK is one of stand up comedy’s best known performers, but his last special never even made it to TV. Instead, CK—who’s slightly overweight and has red hair—decided to distribute it directly to the public, in the form of a $5 digital download available on his website. Over 200,000 people inexplicably shelled out $5 in actual money to watch the slightly overweight, redheaded comedian go on for about an hour about topics he seemed to think were interesting.
After hearing about CK’s undeserved profits, comedian Rodney Ohebsion decided to put out his own internet only special, available at his website http://www.rodneyohebsion.com. “I’m a much better comedian than Louis CK,” said Ohebsion. “So I decided to charge $50 for my download. I’m not in it for the money, though. I do this to make people laugh. I have a gift. I discovered my gift. I can make people laugh. My comedy is hilarious. Louis—your career is over. Ohebsion is overtaking you. You had a nice run. For some reason the public latched on to you. I don’t know why. But it’s all over. I ruined your career. Now what I want you to do is come down here and beg. Beg for a ten second segment on my show. And I’ll give it to you. If you beg. According to my specifications. Otherwise, your career really is over. Small Wonder was a really good show. The Lawsons had a daughter. Only she was a robot. Do you think I do this for money, Louis? I just want to make people laugh. And to taser people if they don’t laugh. Either you laugh, or you get tasered. Louis—
you missed my last performance. it was something special. It was amazing. Do you know how many people were laughing there? Everyone was laughing. I said humorous things, and they laughed. OK. Where am I? She’s a small wonder. Louis—
how come you never call me?”
So far, Ohebsion hasn’t actually sold any downloads. But it doesn’t matter. Because he’s a much better comedian than Louis CK. Don’t worry about how many downloads he and Louis have sold. Louis—how come you never call him? Ted Lawson built the robot and brought her home one day. He built a humanlike robot, and Doc Brown built a time machine. And don’t forget about Steve Urkel. He invented a wide variety of unique, technologically advanced devices. A transformation chamber, a mind reading machine, a robot, a time machine, and probably some other things. The Winslows knew about all of his inventions, but for some reason they hardly ever made a big deal about them. Don’t you get it, Louis? I’m like Steve Urkel. And the world is like the Winslows. They don’t care about my comedy.
I’m not sure where you fit into this, Louis. You’re not really a Family Matters character. Maybe you’re someone on Full House.
“Louis,” remarked Ohebsion. “I’m always saying things to you—but you never say anything to me. I just want to know what you use to trim your goatee.”