Battling Breast Cancer: How Can Family and Friends Help?

Oct. 1, 2010 - PRLog -- It's easy to feel uncomfortable and helpless when someone you love has cancer. Many people respond by turning away because they just don't know what will help and what will only add to the hurt. While turning away may seem like the right thing when you don't know what else to do, remember that it can be devastating for the cancer patient in your life.

Following are some simple, specific ways you can offer support. These have been confirmed by cancer sufferers to make a difference emotionally and physically:

1. Pray
Although an internet search will turn up conflicting reports about the effectiveness of prayer, many medical professionals agree that prayer helps—both the pray-er and the person being prayed for. At the very least, by letting someone know—over and over—that you are praying, you are assuring her that she is not alone. Many people say a prayer when they first hear the news, or during the first surgery; but cancer is often a long, drawn-out battle—a marathon rather than a sprint. Most of the time it requires not so much strength as endurance. Assure your friend faithfully of your continued prayers.

2. Give hugs freely and generously
There is nothing like a human touch to assure people that they are still alive and loved. Besides that, it may be easier for you if you can express your support without words.

3. Be optimistic
A cancer patient already feels weak and scared enough without being reminded of the odds or the side effects. Here are a few things not to say:
   "Some make it; some don't."
   "You're going to be a very sick girl."
   "Oh, you'll probably lose your hair."
   "Just think, you may be translated to glory soon."

Of course, all of the above observations may be true. But at a time when someone is struggling to accept a difficult situation without resigning to it, comments like these can do more to harm someone's spirit than to help. Be honest and realistic with your cancer-patient friend without being totally negative. If you know any success stories, any friends who have defeated cancer, tell those to your friend. If you've experienced any miracles or other evidence of the power of prayer, share that. Remind yourself before you talk to your friend that cancer is not a death sentence. If you cannot make yourself believe this, just keep your opinion to yourself.

Also, avoid making comments about how your friend looks, unless you can honestly tell her she looks well. Cancer patients know when they look bad, so insincere compliments are not a comfort. There is no need to say things like:
   "You've lost so much weight. Are you feeling OK?"
   "Your face is so puffy!"
   "Wow, you look tired."

This simple rule of etiquette applies to cancer patients as well as to everyone else: Bring to your friend's attention only those things she can actually do something to correct at that moment (such as "Your slip is showing," not "Your hair's really getting thin").

4. Be sensitive
Ask your friend if she wants to talk about it. Some people do; others don't. For many people, this is a time when they are feeling powerless anyway, so to have others intrude on their emotions and their privacy is an added difficulty. Others are simply waiting for someone to bridge the isolation they feel. Be sensitive to how your particular friend wants to handle communication.

Don't introduce your friend to other people as "the cancer patient," as in, "Oh, this is Bea—she's the one I was telling you about who has cancer." Your friends probably does not want to be defined by the disease she happens to have.

If your friend is receptive, supply some good reading material, or "how-to-cope-with-cancer" books, or even accurate medical updates. But read the book yourself first to make sure it is positive and helpful rather than discouraging. Also, be sensitive to your friend's level of energy. She may be too weak to read but would feel obligated to read what someone has given her. And be careful not to give your friend the impression that you have found a simple and definitive answer to her problem.

Don't be afraid to visit, but keep your visits short. Sometimes it exhausts a patient to carry on a conversation for more than 20 or 30 minutes. Ask your friend if she is getting tired. Hopefully she will be honest enough to tell you when she's ready for a rest.

A strong network of friends and family can play an important role in a cancer patient's recovery. People who have the courage to give their love and support throughout the cancer journey, keeping in mind the tips shared here, can make a life-and-death difference for someone they love.

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This article is adapted from Cancer Freedom: One Person's Journey of Faith, by Beatrice Hoek, as told to Melanie Jongsma. For a paperback copy of the entire book (while supplies last), visit http://lifelinespublishing.net/bookstore/ .

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