Hassle-Free Homework®: Parents Accused Of Being Unfair

Feb. 23, 2010 - PRLog -- Dear Dr. Fournier:

I am in the fourth grade and I make good grades. My mother and father will not let me watch any TV on school nights, no matter what. I have all A’s and B’s, so I think they are being unfair and it makes me very angry. I have even screamed at my parents over this. They said if I write you and you to tell them to let me watch TV, then I can watch TV. Please tell them to let me watch TV. Yours truly,

AnnaLisa S.  
Birmingham, AL

Dear AnnaLisa:

When your parents don’t let you have something you want, the natural reaction for you is to be angry. After all, you think your parents are wrong or mean or unfair. Or maybe you think your parents just don’t understand how you feel. You’re not the only child who feels this way or has this “problem” with parents.

ASSESSMENT

You’ve said you have already lost your temper and screamed at your parents for not letting you watch TV. Unfortunately, your anger will lead to only more blowups and not solutions.

How many times have you fought with your parents to get something you really wanted, like an extra hour at bedtime? How many times have these fights brought you exactly what you wanted?

Take the issue of watching TV. You need to learn the difference between wanting to win the argument, no matter the cost, and rising above the argument. Learning how to negotiate is an important skill as you grow from dealing with your parents to learning how to deal with other adults and friends.

Negotiate doesn’t mean, “I’m right and I’ll convince you.” It means, “Let’s find the right things in our different thoughts and put them into a package called a solution.” In a negotiation, everyone must give up some of what they want, but everyone also gets some of what they want.

Think back to the example of arguing with your parents over staying up an hour past bedtime. Rather than arguing with your parents, first ask yourself these questions:

•   Why do I want the extra time to stay up?
•   What do I plan to do with the extra time?

Once you have the answers ready, you can calmly state your case to your parents.  You must also listen to their case for why they feel bedtime is important and why you do not need the extra hour.

If you negotiate rather than argue, your parents might agree to let you stay up an extra 30 minutes, but only if you have a good reason for staying up, for example, to get ahead on a long-term school assignment, such as reading chapters in a book for a book report. You may have to give up part of the hour you wanted, but you also get part of the hour you wanted. Your parents give up a little and you get a little.

When you are sick, sometimes your parents and your doctor tell you that you must have a shot to get well. No one likes getting a shot but your parents know it is the best way for you to get well. Parents who love are parents who are willing to go through the pain needed to make you better. But remember that whenever you hurt, your parents usually hurt, too. Understanding this lets you see the issue from your parents’ point of view.

WHAT TO DO

In order to negotiate about TV, you need to be able to understand your parents’ views on TV. Rather than thinking of your parents as mean and unfair, ask yourself, “What are my parents trying to give me by not letting me watch TV?”

Your parents probably believe they are helping you in one of several ways:

•   Maybe with no TV, you will spend the time concentrating on homework, preparing for tests, or completing a chunk of a long-term assignment. If you were allowed to watch TV, you might rush through your homework and other assignments just to watch a favorite show. Then your grades would go down.

•   Maybe your parents trust you won’t look at programs not meant for children, yet they know that even as you change the channels you may see things you are not yet ready to see at your age.

•   Maybe your parents would like to see you read more so you can then start writing your own wonderful stories and jokes instead of becoming accustomed to just having TV shows put their ideas into your head.

Think of as many reasons as possible why your parents might refuse to let you watch television on a school night. Next, think of all you do now with the time you would spend watching TV; that is, think of all the things you give yourself. Make a list and ask what you think is worth giving up and what would you put in its place.

Do all of this “brainstorming” for ideas before you sit down with your parents to negotiate. Be sure to pick a good time when you can discuss the problem. For instance, don’t try to negotiate while riding in the car on the way to school or while your parents are busy preparing dinner.

Remember to negotiate calmly, without arguing or accusing. Ask your parents, “What are you trying to give me by not letting me watch TV?” Let your parents know that you know how much they care about you and listen carefully to their response.

Once you know what your parents hope to gain in the negotiation, you also know what they truly will not give up. For example, if your parents will not give up the time for you to do quality homework without rushing, you can have them look at your complete homework and ask you any questions they wish before you watch one TV program that you both agree upon. If you usually wait until the last minute to do homework or prepare for tests and quizzes, you may have to give up putting off your homework because there would be no TV if you couldn’t answer their questions.

Let your parents know how long you would like to try the new plan. Set a reasonable time limit, but remember that anyone can do something for a short amount of time. Doing it for two months instead of two weeks is probably a fair test. And notice, AnnaLisa, I did not tell your parents you could watch TV. You’ll have to negotiate that for yourself.

CONTACT DR. FOURNIER

Have a question about education, education-related issues or your child’s schoolwork or homework? Ask Dr. Fournier and look for her answer in this column. E-mail your question or comment to Dr. Yvonne Fournier at drfournier@hfhw.net.

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For 30 years, Dr. Yvonne Fournier has been helping children become more successful in school. Her column, "Hassle-Free Homework," was published by Scripps Howard News Service for 20 years. She holds her doctorate in education.