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Snowboard Slanguage. How to talk the walk.
The winter weather is upon us and it's time for Snowboarders to hit the slopes. Or should I say the old man is blastin' so let's shred some mountain pow.
Here's a primer that will set you apart from the posers and bettys and let everyone know you're bustin' Angelo style.
To begin with, it's a not a snowboard, it's a plank or a stick and about 10 other names. For that matter no one goes snowboarding they're rippin' flake or shreddin' the gnar. Skis are referred to as two planks making a skier a two planker.
If you're good you're crunchy. If you're really good you're crispy.
If you fall down screaming you're a botwoker, and if you leave your hat, gloves and goggles scattered on the slopes after a fall, well that's a yard-sale. Leave your hat, gloves, goggles and snowboard or skis on the slope after a fall and it's a garage sale.
I've snowboarded for years. Too many years. That's why I'm a Fred. I'm surprisingly good for my age and hit the slopes dressed like a carpenter working in winter, but pulling a few misty flips and couple of ollies gets me the "hey look at the good, old-guy" or Fred designation. That's a good thing but the way I'm dressed makes me a jeaner when I'm not doing a fakie. That's why most boarders know they have to sport the duds that say they have the 'tude.
Unfortunately for some, the clothes alone won't get you all the way into the huckfest community. If you've got the hot new board and the cool clothes but seem confused about how to get started down the slope, you're a real snowgump.
But when some gnarly kookoo really gets in the zone you wouldn't have a clue about what's he's saying without some help. Here's an actual conversation I think I actually overheard waiting for a ganjala ride up the slope:
GRUM: "Yeah, that's the same raptor who packed that snow bank into a squirrel's nest."
GRUM: "What a muffin scorcher."
In case you're wondering here's the translation:
GRUM: "That's the same guy who went down the hill with his arms out like a bird before he fell into the deep snow of that snow bank."
GRUM: "And then he rode down the rest on his butt."
I don't know about you but this slanguage makes me smile. Especially when you find out a Beef Wellington is a big stunt that's tricky. Or a chillax is someone chilled out and relaxed, and everyone who's in a train pack is cool but a bit crazy.
There's a board game here somewhere. Especially when you find out a meat torpedo is a very young child on skis without fear, ability or a sense of momentum. And an Oscar is a person who has a nice board and nice clothes but can't board worth a darn. They look so good they should get an Oscar. It makes you wonder why you couldn't just figure it out. Maybe if I lost the tan, denim fancypants it would come more naturally to me. But then I don't know how anxious I am to be a hucker which is a snow boarder who throws himself wildly through the air and does not land on his feet.
Or come home and tell my wife about the great tootloop I did on that Saturday afternoon I was supposed to be shoveling the driveway. (I don't know any words for shoveling the driveway. Maybe I'll have to make something up like pow pusher). And in case you're wondering roadkill is what they'll call you if you stand in the middle of the hill at the bottom of a run in everyone's way.
There's an ironic edge to the slanguage of shreddin' the gnar. The vocabulary is growing everyday and evolving just as fast. When you meet a good friend on the flake the standard greeting is sorry dude. Hmmmm. Funny how this works.
But it's not all fun and games. There's clear language like halfpipe, 360, goofy foot, and face plant which define fundamental tricks, stunts, falls and moves on the sweet cherry pow pow. But for every word that almost everyone knows like awesomeness there's the ragdoll, splattin', and blastin' the dookie that show up to begin the game all over again. The only way to understand it is to get the attitude.
For you hombres and hot dogs looking for the apparel and other softgoods that can give you the handsome look with attitude check out www.snoman8.com