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6 Ways You Sabotage Your Love Relationship
Your fears, guilt, doubt, past experiences and feelings of unworthiness may be causing you to sabotage your love relationship, whether you are aware of doing so or not. It's time to stop.
By: James LeGrand
It’s time to stop sabotaging your love relationship. You are worthy of relationship happiness. Your partner is not better or worse than you, as you both bring equally important things to the relationship. Here are several ways that you are sabotaging your love relationship, and what to do about them.
Doing the opposite of what your partner wants for no good reason is not good. At first, it will appear to your partner that you just aren’t seeing eye to eye. Eventually, it will become clear to your partner, and everyone else, that you are just disagreeing to be disagreeable. Playing this game has the potential of turning your partner off from you permanently.
Instead, come back to compromise. Whatever anger you are harboring and for whatever reason, ask yourself this: does my partner deserve someone that is acting like this? In situations where you are sabotaging your relationship, you’ll immediately see that they don’t deserve this. Stop. Apologize. Then give some thought to what fear or past experience you are projecting on to your partner. Come back to common sense and compromise in everything you do together.
2. Boredom With Kindness
So your partner is cooking for you….again. Your partner is holding the door open for you…again. Another hug…more kisses…always trying to help with something. If this is bothering you, then it’s time to look at yourself. Why is it that a partner engaging in loving action bores you or otherwise annoys you? If this behavior isn’t making you happy, consider the opposite behavior and how that would make you feel. By choosing not to be happy with the good things, you are conditioning yourself to find someone that has the bad things. A bad partner always appears to be exciting…at first. Later, you long for the good partner you once had.
Rather than being bored with kindness, appreciate it. There are all too many tales of relationships that are full of drama, heartache, and emotional ambiguity. Be thankful for the good partner you have. Pushing a partner out of your life like this leads to eventual regret when you discover that you lost the best relationship you’ve ever had.
3. Brutal Honesty
There is nothing wrong with honesty. However, everything is wrong with brutal honesty. When you are being brutally honest, you are basically giving yourself license to say something with an element of truth in the most cruel, degrading, insulting and hurtful way possible. When your partner gets upset, you clear your conscious by saying that you were only being honest. Brutal honesty is a cover for tearing your partner down emotionally. It’s a way of projecting anger at your partner disguised as a noble attempt at honesty.
Compassionate honesty is the better way to go. It's not so much the message you are delivering that gets your partner upset. It's how that message is delivered. Have the compassion and the patience to be honest with your partner in a loving way. There is no need to tear your partner down to make yourself feel better. Directing disguised anger at your partner is simply misplaced aggression with a back door. The hard truth here is that if your partner gets tired of it, you won’t have anyone around to be brutally honest with. That’s the brutally honest truth.
4. Belief That Upset Equals Love
There are those of us that try to make our partners upset. We mistakenly believe that if we are worth getting upset about, then our partner must love us. It’s a twisted, self-defeating way of validating ourselves through the emotional torture of another. Why is this method self-defeating?
This is a great way to feel like you are loved, while pushing the one that loves you right out of your life. People normally engage in this sort of behavior when they feel like they are damaged goods. People who feel like their partner will eventually see them as they really are and leave for someone better also engage is this sort of behavior. A lot of work is needed on one’s self esteem to get passed this. A change is required at the belief level to understand what love really looks like and how to demonstrate it. Doing things to purposely push your partner’s buttons isn’t love all.
5. Projecting Your Past Onto Your Future
Let’s say you’ve had 3 bad relationships in a row. What are your expectations for the next relationship?
Rather than engaging in this “no win” scenario for your relationships, realize that your current partner is unique. Their behavior will be different from that of your past relationships. Give them a chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved. Don’t assume failure before you even get started.
6. Ignoring Your Partner / Avoidance
Everything needs attention to grow. However, you’re afraid of falling in love with your partner or otherwise getting too close or attached. You decide to put some distance between you and your partner as a way of controlling how far and how fast the relationship goes. All you are doing though is creating confusion and frustration in your partner that could lead to relationship doom.
If you allow fear to keep you away from your partner, then you may not be emotionally ready for another relationship yet. You are putting distance between you and your partner in hopes of protecting yourself from them or from the emotions that come with love relationships. The result can be the loss of a relationship that was never going to hurt you in the first place. Don’t participate in a relationship half way. The commitment requires 100% from each person, or it simply will not be healthy and may end.
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Spiritual Individual.com is a free weekly newsletter dedicated to discussing issues through the lens of self help, wisdom, philosophy and spirituality. The newsletter is published by James LeGrand. He is the author of "Evolve!", an Amazon.com best seller in Religion and Spirituality, a life coach, Fortune 500 Vice President, and a Sifu in Shaolin Kungfu, which has been known for centuries as a pathway to spiritual enlightenment.