The benchmark “March Forth Dating Again Over 40 Relationship Report” also indicates 76% of the respondents use texts, emails or websites to socially communicate.
The adoption of social communications and “back grounding” of dates ranked first and second respectively as leading differences between dating today versus years or decades ago by respondents in the 25 question study co-directed by Rand Deminc, author of “Tales of the Flipped: Ditched & Anxious.”
“The significance extends beyond the use of social technologies and even the accelerated speed at which they are being adopted,” said Deminc. “The increased reliance on these technologic tools combined with input derived from nearly every other component of the research -- including both quantifiable data and qualified narrative responses -- stresses that dating today is vastly different than in the past. Daters need to understand the new fundamentals of dating again, many of which are very subtle, but important. Daters are forewarned they must be forearmed.”
Furthermore, the study and the book content combine to debunk the myths that A) there are rules, and B) there are no secrets. There are indeed surprises and secrets.
“There once were three sides to every story. Now, many stories have at least four -- his, hers, the data service provider’s and the truth. Beware of big data and beware bad data,” said Deminc, himself an ex-husband turned dating again survivor.
“The information found on background checking sites could be tainted,” Deminc added, relating the example of a respected male professional who didn’t understand why he was being turned down for dates.
The man, divorced after a 30 year marriage and now in his 60s, eventually discovered a major background information service made him appear an itinerant job-hopper by errantly listing him employed by dozens of geographically dispersed companies. The information likely was an unedited aggregation of information gleaned from public records about client companies he had represented through the years and not his actual employer. He and many women were thus deprived a possible love connection.
Researchers and those being researched are advised to identify and when needed counter-act potential reputation muggers.
Deminc suggests continually researching oneself and making corrections to errors and omissions as in the case of one woman who found a background information provider listed her with many wrong surnames and thus deterring prospective suitors.
“The listings made it appear she had been in as many marriages as Mickey Rooney and Zsa Zsa Gabor combined. She wasn’t a serial dater any more than a co-dependent bride,” said Deminc.
The March Forth research is an important component exclusive to Tales of the Flipped: Ditched & Anxious. The data serves as a backdrop to the narrative stories which provide guidelines for people back in the dating pool, or at least considering dating again.
“One of the major take-aways from the research and the book, is that with the exception of laws which apply to everyone, there are no universally accepted dating rules. There are trends and tendencies, there are experience and instinct and there are common sense and etiquette, but there are no absolutes.”
More women (68%) than men (50%) are inclined to conduct background checks. Women whether over 40, over 50, over 60 or even over 70 are consistent in their opinion that conducting background checks is one of the two biggest differences when comparing dating today with the past. Men of the 1950s or aged 55 to 64 also ranked it their second leading difference. Men 40 to 54, however, ranked back grounding third behind having children and / or pets as a dating difference. Men older than 65 also ranked it third behind their vote for meeting on a neutral site as the biggest difference followed by digitally communicating.
More information about the aforementioned and other aspects of the study can be found at the www.DitchedAndAnxious.com website.
The survey report divides responses from those dating again by theme, such as the use and influence of technology, dating preferences, dating influences and dating realities. Responsibility for children and / or pets for instance is considered a dating influence. Meeting at a neutral location is classified a dating preference.
Overall, the study provides insight by age, gender, decade first married, number of times married and current relationship status. Key topics include measuring 14 differences between dating now and when younger, how long one waits before dating (if they start dating at all) and where to find the best dates versus the most dates. Additional questions provide responses about when a dater knows a date isn’t going to work, how long they wait before calling for a second date and rekindling relationships from the past. The report also provides attitudes about issues and activities, including date targeting, online dating and the involvement of children in social lives.
There is an unparalleled variety of opportunity for daters in or re-entering the social marketplace. Each dater has a freedom to choose if they want to date, whom they ask or agree to date and when to click the bad date stopwatch and decide whether to dine or dash. If they choose to dash, hopefully it is with understanding, respect and compassion for the man or woman on the other side of the table.
“Dating today requires reservations. Daters mustbe continually on-guard, questioning the intentions of prospective dates and vetting the information they share to divide fact from fantasy.
“It is no wonder there is a segment of the estimated 28 million people over 40 single again after a separation, divorce or becoming widowed who are plain scared having either tried dating and then stopped or never bothered with another first date,” said Deminc.
While not a rule, Deminc offered another piece of advice: If you have done homework on a date in advance, best not let the other party know you know how much money they make, how many kids they have, who they were married to, that your ex is dating their ex or their child was arrested for possession. Let them deliver the news.
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