"Statistically speaking, we see a 12% increase in fecal disasters during severe weather events" reports Michael Weinstein (author, Weather & the Anus), "It's the literal 'I'm so cold, I crapped my pants' phenomena."
For those unfamiliar, Shittens are disposable mitten-shaped wet wipes. While old fashioned square wet wipes put your hands at risk of all kinds of accidental fecal contamination, the genius mitten shape of a Shitten provides not only full hand protection, but on a larger scale, emotional peace of mind.
As Hercules began to ravage residents of the Northeast Thursday night, reports started coming in of Shitten looting. One elderly resident who wishes not to be named claims an unknown assailant knocked on her door, pushed aside and ran to her bathroom screaming for Shittens. She was unharmed but shaken by the assault. "I don't mind sharing but he took every last one of my Shittens. What will happen when I need to poop?" she asks.
Fair question. Some Northeastern residents have begun relying on the anonymity of popular classified ad website Craigslist to sell unused (and in some extreme cases, gently used) Shittens on the brown market. "In any survival situation, we expect to see supply hoarding. When it crosses the line into looting and- in this case, brown market sales- we take note" says Mike Powers, CEO, Brown Star Enterprises.
Delivery times are slower than normal as the employees at Shittens headquarters race to fulfill production. "We are doing everything we can to get Shittens back on shelves, despite the inclement weather," says Richie Wilson, CEO. Reports Rachel Fine, CMO, "We're asking everyone to remain calm. Shittens can still be ordered on http://Shittens.com. We ask for your patience in understanding that it will take a few extra weeks for delivery during this crisis. Your butt is our biggest priority and we are working overtime to rectalfy the situation."
Shittens have been featured on the Today Show, Buzz Feed, Laughing Squid, Egotastic, Tosh.0, The Howard Stern Show, CBS' Live From the Couch and more. They've been talked about by Mark Cuban, Howie Mandel, Guy Kawasaki, Norm MacDonald, Zak Bagans, Natalie Maines, JWoww and Jenny McCarthy, who called Shittens "this year's stocking stuffers," likely leading to the extreme winter hoarding.