Marriage in America: until divorce-do-us part

March 4, 2013 - PRLog -- Before the 1970s in order to grant someone a divorce status in the US it was necessary to file a grievance for abandonment or adultery. The introduction of no-fault concept in the 1970s, on the grounds of “irreconcilable differences”, made it easier for couples to divorce and became a catalyst for a sudden surge in divorce rate. As per Enrichment Journal the divorce rate in US is alarming:

o    41% of all first marriages end in divorce
o    The number raises to 60% when it came to second marriage and
o    73% of the third marriages do not succeed.

Initially the belief is that the marriage will last “until death do us apart” and no one intentionally marries to end the marriage in divorce. Then why do marriages fail?

The initial reason might start from minor differences and eventually snowball into irreconcilable differences. It can also stem from communication breakdown, infidelity, having financial problems, emotional or physical abuses, physical incompatibility, loss of interest in the partner, shift in priorities or failed expectations and addiction difficulties.

Even though the law of irreconcilable difference gave freedom to couples who shouldn’t be together to end their union easier, it also gave the way out to others to adopt the approach: if marriage doesn’t work we don’t have to take the things we don’t like. The approach of “not having to work on the marriage” produced reluctance to communicate and learn about each other’s expectations, desires, similarities, differences, and sensitivities. This led to further lack of trust followed by loss of intimacy.

In many instances both partners have an exaggerated fear to communicate one’s needs and expect the other partner to guess, intuit and know their needs and wants. When that’s not accomplished the initial bond of trust, closeness and sharing gets severed. Emotional connection of nurturance, compassion and commitment shifts to a cold and detached behavior. Lack of reciprocity and emotional unavailability, coupled with exaggerated fear of attachment and intimacy, in time will emotionally stunt their growth together.

Enduring years of alienated affection and constant denigration can take the toll on the marriage. Eventually spouses revert to become self-centered, stubborn and lack the motivation to compromise. Unresolved resentments decrease the desire for mutual interests and time spent together. Couples end up intentionally withholding from each other any kind of constructive communication or affection. Every word of exchange is wrought with irony, pessimism, and disdain; and having a pleasant conversation becomes nearly impossible. The trust is lost thus connecting is perceived as submitting to the will of the other. The chance to work on the marriage is gone.

Lowering the assumption driven fear - exaggerated fear - is achieved by exercising transparent communication; dealing with conflicts or misunderstanding head on; validating partners concerns or beliefs; complimenting one another; laughing more often together; maintaining mutual support and respect; giving in to the spouse wishes when it is important; listening, but more importantly hearing the other.

Marriage is a process where mutual adjustment and compromise, coupled with patience and learning about the other, is a continual process. Learning to switch from “me” to “we” and still retain one’s individuality takes a commitment to bond, trust and love. Marriage is not built overnight rather it is the road where “my way or highway” is challenged and adjusted to learn that other person, with all their shortcomings and needs, will not diminish and stifle our freedom and growth. Rather it will allow us to postpone instant gratifications and face our frailties and shortcomings. Working on the marriage will help us learn that we as well as our spouse are fallible, weak and yet strong. It is “give and take” relationship based on friendship.

About Dr. Ivan Kos
In a world where negative thinking, self-criticism and fear often dominate the day, To Dare: It is Easier to Succeed than To Fail offers an antidote that empowers people with the ability to learn from fear, overcome negativity, and transform lives. To Dare explores the fears that we feel, day in, day out. Some fears are real and should be respected, but fears that are exaggerated and unfounded keep us from truly experiencing our lives and becoming fulfilled individuals. In To Dare, we discover how to use fear's energy to work for us rather than against us, and become the winners - personally and professionally - that we were born to be. Appealing to the same audience drawn to such bestsellers as What's Holding You Back, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, and The Power of Positive Thinking, To Dare holds the key to the action solution for transformation. As a psychotherapist, lecturer, consultant and professor, Dr. Kos specializes in workshops on fear, leadership, optimal productivity, personal responsibility, and communication. Dr. Kos is a fellow of the American Psychological Association and a member of the International Association of Applied Psychology, among others, and lives in New York City.
http://www.amazon.com/To-Dare-Easier-Succeed-than/dp/1456...

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