Learning responsible parenting requires collaborative efforts

Oct. 26, 2012 - PRLog -- Dear Dr. Fournier:

How do we teach responsible parenting to young or expectant parents? I see it as becoming something of a lost art.  How do we get them to understand all that parenting involves and that it is not something they can do halfway?  And how do we get these parents to understand that once they are in the position of parenting, they don’t have to do it without help?

THE ASSESSMENT

In one previous article, I made mention of a proposed parenting “method” that was touted by a mother as the perfect solution for herself – parenting by absenteeism, a.k.a. the “Hiroshima Mother.”  Now, granted I am not one to criticize the parenting methods of others if they work for that family, but there is a point where I begin to detect selfishness on the part of the parent instead of one who has an aim to strengthen their child’s growth and development. That is a red flag that poses the question of whether or not the parent truly has a relationship with a child based on love and caring, or if it is instead, as you call it, “halfway.”  The aforementioned Hiroshima mother (named in part due to the success of Amy Chua’s “Tiger Mother”) found that in order to truly love her children, she had to leave them.  I’ll pause here to allow you to reread that sentence.

I mention her as an example of a “halfway” parent:  She only wants to be involved when it is convenient, and during the good times.  Is it any wonder that she would describe her situation as blissful in that full attention could be devoted to her children when she saw them because she was unencumbered?  

As for the real parenting moments, the ones when you are brought to your knees by circumstances one can not anticipate, she puts herself in a position to be conveniently absent.

Now, if the definition of caring as explained by Milton Mayeroff holds that one is responsible for the growth and development of the other and should expect the same in return, can we call this style of mothering “caring?”  I leave it to you to answer for yourself.

If the goal is to teach responsible parenting, we must begin with a basic understanding: responsibility is not an innate skill.  Responsible individuals were taught, either implicitly or explicitly, the process of carrying out their responsibilities and learned to develop the thinking process that leads to responsible actions and worthy outcomes.

Anyone who wants to teach responsible parenting must first hold themselves accountable for teaching the process of responsibility before teaching the specific skills of parenting.  Our youth and adults must take ownership of that process so that by the time it is their turn to think of parenting, they know how to carry out that new role in life with responsibility.

WHAT TO DO

Teaching responsibility as a natural extension and teaching responsible parenting is a threefold challenge based on the three phases of life that must be targeted simultaneously:

A long-term program to teach responsibility in schools, beginning in elementary grades and extending through high school until the child begins to internalize the process of responsibility both at school and at home.

An immediate, short-term program to reach youth in middle school and high school who have never been taught the process of responsibility.  This age group is at greatest risk of facing the prospect of parenting without the necessary skills of responsibility, and the long-term program that “bubbles up” through elementary grades might not take effect quickly enough to reach these teens.

An immediate and intensive program to teach both responsibility and parenting skills to today’s parents.

Such a national program calls for collaborative responsibility, in which the student owns the responsibility to learn, the educational system owns the responsibility to teach, and the parents own the responsibility to monitor their child’s progress through at-home reinforcement.

To teach responsibility, schools do not need to add anything to their curriculum.  Rather than assuming that the child will “get organized” or “become responsible,” the classroom must explicitly apply these skills and processes to existing class work and homework.  As the process of responsibility takes hold, teachers might actually see their load lightened as previously “irresponsible,” “lazy,” or “unmotivated” students take control of their actions as responsible learners.

An immediate program to reach our nation’s teens must separate teaching parenting from teaching responsibility.  Our society has focused so much on giving our students more and more content, and teaching it sooner and sooner, that we have neglected to explicitly teach responsibility for learning and for other aspects of their lives.  In today’s high-tech society, knowledge will change rapidly, but the process of responsibility is the foundation needed for a lifetime and for all the different roles we are destined to play.

We must also reach today’s parents where they are in life – probably not in school, but in the workplace, in the community or even through government institutions.  With collaborative responsibility, there is no stigma because as the cliché goes, “We’re all in this together.”  There is no one course that can tell a parent everything he or she will need to know for a lifetime of parenting, but once we develop the process of responsibility, each parent can develop the criteria within their own home by which decisions will be guided.  As our country becomes increasingly multicultural, this is the only “responsible” approach.

Teaching responsibility is not simply “the parents’ job,” but it must be everyone’s job.  Our society demands it; our future depends upon it.

CONTACT DR. FOURNIER

Have a question about education, education-related issues or your child’s schoolwork or homework? Ask Dr. Fournier and look for her answer in this column. E-mail your question or comment to Dr. Yvonne Fournier at drfournier@hfhw.net.