Letting Your Parents off the Hook Part 2. Moving on after Forgiveness

Oct. 15, 2012 - PRLog -- You've done the necessary work to move on from the less than stellar job your parents did raising you. Perhaps you've gone through some counseling and learned to move forward. It's hard, but worthwhile work, but now the rest of your life stretches before you and you want to continue to mend the relationship with your parents without constantly having to forgive again. What does this look like? What are some things you may still need to do in order to move forward successfully? What have you learned?

The answers are varied and there are many, but let's start with some basic ideas.

First of all, be grateful for the blueprint on what not to do while raising your own kids. Okay, you may not have had great role models, but you do know what having negative role models did do you. Think of your parent's mistakes as your personal trouble-shooting guide. You know exactly what happens and how verbal abuse makes a kid feel. This should be a great reason to avoid yelling at your kids and calling them names. Empathy is a powerful motivator.

It's also of great importance to understand that your parents did the best they could when raising you. The things they said or did to you were a result of where they were in life – not you. If your parents were impatient, mean-spirited and abusive it was not because you were not worthy of love and kindness, it was because it was all they knew how to be. In other words, they treated you the only way they knew how to in that moment – a reflection of them, not you.

Likewise, your parents were raised by people with baggage too. Attitudes and behaviors are often learned, and without extensive effort and introspection, those behaviors will be repeated from one generation to the next. In the words of Carl Jung, "the greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents."

Be thankful that you are of the mind that you can be the broken link in the chain. You have lived and you have learned from your parent's mistakes and you will do better because you want to – a powerful motivator.

In Maya Angelou's words, "those who know better, do better."

One of the greatest gifts you can give both your children and yourself is to do the opposite of what caused you such pain as a child.

For example, if you were raised with family secrets, don't keep any. If you were raised without physical affection, smother your own children with hugs and kisses. Be careful not to go overboard, though. You are, indeed, parenting yourself vicariously by parenting your children the way you wish you had been raised.  A word of caution here – it is possible to spoil your own children if you go too far. Love unconditionally, but keep the boundaries of parent and child intact.

The bottom line is you are now responsible for your life and the relationship you have with your parents. Talk to them. Get to know them as the people they are today, not the people they were all those years ago. You've changed, and you want them to accept you for who you are today, allow them that same option. In other words, stop putting so much stock in the way you were raised. Dragging the past around simply makes living today more difficult. Find a purpose and a passion in your life and in your relationships and move forward. Look back long enough to learn, but don't get stuck there.

If the above is not enough to allow you to move on, perhaps you need to purge on paper. Often writing of buried thoughts and feelings is enough to move on from the pain. Light your musings on fire upon completion, and then truly let the emotional baggage go. Truly be done with it, and allow your parents a second chance at a relationship with you. They, too, are likely still pained from the experiences of their lives, and will welcome your gift of a second chance with open arms.