Students: Track grades daily to relieve tension at home

April 17, 2012 - PRLog -- Dear Dr. Fournier:

I ran across some of your articles, and they are pretty interesting.  I see you say that you work with kids face to face, but most of your articles answer questions from parents.  Anyway, I figured I would throw you a question some of my friends and I would be interested in:  How do I get my parents off my back? As soon as they get home from work, the first questions I get are, “Did you finish your homework?” and “Did you get any new grades today?” Even if I did, I don’t tell them, because I can’t win.

If I make a good grade, then it’s proof I “can do it when I want to.” If I make a bad grade, then the screaming starts, and I may lose my phone, my Xbox, or get grounded. Because I don’t tell them all my grades, they say that I lie and can’t be trusted.  What am I supposed to do?

John Doe
Houston, TX

Dear “John,”

ASSESSMENT

Whenever I hear this very common complaint from students, I try to explain that there is good news as well as bad news in this dilemma.  Here is what I offer for your consideration:

The good news: Your parents care about how well you do in school. This is a good thing and –though it may be difficult to fathom at times– means that they love you! If you pay attention to media “chatter” online and on the air, you probably know that education is one of the most criticized, debated, and statistically mortifying topics in our country. Parents are bombarded with news about how little most students know about math, history and science.  They hear horror stories from other parents. They see that studies indicate that students have trouble reading, writing or doing the simple calculations needed to survive.

In addition, many inadequacies in education are blamed on parents who are not “involved” enough to ensure that their child is getting a good education.  The cumulative effect of this is that it can create panic– and thus fear– in loving parents.

The bad news: They are dealing with your situation out of guilt or panic, which engenders fear, which usually turns into anger. In other words, when you fail or do not live up to your parents’ expectations, they feel like failures, too.

To get your parents off your back, you need to accept two things:

1.   They care.

2.   They want you to be successful – but they want you to want this, too.

Going to school requires learning more than subject matter. It should give you the opportunity to take charge of your life by setting your own goals and measuring your progress.

WHAT TO DO

Instead of giving your parents as little information as possible, be prepared to tell them what they need to know so they CAN get off your back.

Think of it this way: When you want to go out with your friends, you’ve probably learned that it’s not enough just to say, “Can I go out tonight?” Your parents need to know when you’re leaving, where you’re going, when you’re coming back, who’s driving, and other basic information. If you offer all those details in advance, then you stand a better chance of getting your parents to agree– and without a fight.

Talking to them about your grades requires a similar strategy. You have a clear choice: You can buy into your parents’ fear by waiting for them to ask about your grades. Or you can decide that you will take charge of learning by setting grade goals for each class and staying focused on your average, not on individual grades.

For example, instead of saying, “I made a 62 on yesterday’s pop quiz,” give your parents a more complete report. “My goal for this class is a B, which is an 85. With my latest quiz grade, I now have an 83. I’m 2 points away from my goal, which I can bring up in the last three weeks of this grading period.”

Instead of saying, “I lost 15 points for turning my report in late,” you could tell your parents, “I made a 75. Without this report, my average is an 80. I’m going to try to either do extra credit work or get this grade dropped so I can bring my grade up.”

What a difference! You have the choice to put yourself in control by measuring what truly counts on your report card – the average of your grades for each time period.  This should also help your parents understand that you are paying attention to the process and how it paves the way to your grade goal.

Instead of reacting to your parents’ fears, be proactive in giving them all the information they need to know you’re in charge of your education. Prove to your parents that you have goals and a game plan to reach those goals.  Their fears will ease, and you will bring a measure of peace into your life at home.

CONTACT DR. FOURNIER

Have a question about education, education-related issues or your child’s schoolwork or homework? Ask Dr. Fournier and look for her answer in this column. E-mail your question or comment to Dr. Yvonne Fournier at drfournier@hfhw.net.

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For 30 years, Dr. Yvonne Fournier has been helping children become more successful in school. Her column, "Hassle-Free Homework," was published by Scripps Howard News Service for 20 years. She holds her doctorate in education.