Coping with a loved one who has lost their faith

Jan. 30, 2012 - PRLog -- When it comes to religion in America, the fastest growing segment of Americans is the Nones, people who profess no faith at all. The rise of the non-religious means that more and more families are having to come to terms with the fact that one or more of their loved ones may not believe as they do anymore.

It can be very hard on families and specifically parents to find out that their children have rejected their faith.  However traumatic it may be to find out your loved one no longer believes as you do, it doesn’t mean the family has to be torn apart. There are some very simple approaches families can take that will minimize the strife that occurs over this issue and that will help them re-affirm the love they have for each other despite their religious differences.


•   Don’t turn your grief into anger: When someone you love tells you that they no longer believe as you do, it is natural to feel sad and to grieve. This is especially true if you believe that you will no longer being seeing your loved one in heaven when you die. Just remember, if you didn’t love them, you wouldn’t care if you saw them in heaven or not.  If you act out in anger as a result of your grief, your loved one will only know that you are angry with them. They won’t understand that what is really hurting is your grief.  So express your grief, not your anger.

•    Don’t try to change them: The first thing people of faith try to do when a loved one announces they no longer believe is to try and convince them to change their mind.  It won’t work. People who lose their faith do so over a very long period of time. It is not an arbitrary decision they made to upset you. They simply no longer want to lie about their beliefs. Trying to get them to change their mind is upsetting, annoying and disrespectful because it means you think your loved on is basically an idiot who can’t think for themselves.  And yes, this does mean if you are the person who lost their faith, don’t’ try and convert your loved ones to atheism either. It is rude, annoying and upsetting and means you think your parents are idiots. The only way to make these relationships work is to agree to disagree. The sooner you all agree to not try to change or convert each other, the sooner you can get back to the all-important business of loving each other.

•   It isn’t about you: Your loved one didn’t lose their faith because of you or to spite you. It is something they came to on their own. So don’t treat their beliefs or non-beliefs as a referendum on you. It isn’t about you, it’s about them and what they believe and the fact they need to be honest with themselves first and foremost.

•   Tell them you still love them: In all the arguments and debate about religion that occur following the news that your loved one no longer believes as you do, it is easy to forget that the reason you are arguing at all is because you love each other. If you didn’t, it wouldn’t matter what you or they believe. In fact, if they didn’t love you, they wouldn’t have bothered to tell you about their change of heart at all. The only reason this matters at all, is because you really do love each other.  So, make sure that is clear. You still love them and this change in belief isn’t going to alter that at all. Once this is established, it will help you all cope better with each other’s differences.