Goal of mentoring programs is to develop independence

There's no debate that today's "at-risk" children need positive role models, but we must recognize that mentoring programs do have inherent dangers.
By: Dr. Yvonne Fournier
 
Jan. 24, 2012 - PRLog -- Dear Dr. Fournier:

I recently volunteered for a program through the company I work for to be a mentor in an after-school program for adolescents in the Inner city. Now I'm not sure what I should be doing. I went to a training course and a lot of it was on motivation and being a role model for them.
At the orientation, one political official got up and spoke of how he grew up in the housing project and he made it in life. I grew up in the same city and the housing projects when weren't the housing projects of today. I was not impressed, and I can't imagine that it has a positive effect on kids today. To be honest, there aren't many of us adults who have any idea of what these kid's lives are like. How do I become a role model for what they should do with their lives?

Jason T.
Detroit, MI

Dear Jason:

ASSESSMENT:

There's no debate that today's "at-risk" children need positive role models, but we must recognize that mentoring programs do have inherent dangers. To the extent that we are not aware of these, our well-intentioned plans can do harm.
The first step is to define what effect you want to have as a role model. I believe that the biggest gift you can give a child is something that most adults take for granted – the hope for independence and participation within the mainstream of society.
However, serving as a role model means walking a fine line.  Your role is that of a guide, and this is not synonymous with adoption. Although you can and should communicate from a position of caring –a position that will help the child grow and actualize– you should not become so emotionally attached that, when you disappear from the child's life, it becomes another disappointment via abandonment and a source of emotional poverty.
The best role model relationship -like a good story - has a beginning, middle and an end. Since the end goal is to foster independence, the beginning and middle of this story are structured to make the role model become obsolete!
Joseph Campbell was a comparative mythologist who looked at the common themes in the various mythologies in the world, and came up with a cycle of events that is a template upon which the journey of the hero can be superimposed:  the Monomyth Cycle.  In this cycle, there is a very definitive sequence that the hero figure, in this case the child, must go through to complete a rite of passage or initiation.  One of these stages is relevant to your position: that of the supernatural aid.  In this stage, the hero (the child) is guided/advised/aided by a wizard/seer/helper/guide on his or her journey to physical or spiritual discovery.  This guide is there to give instructional or emotional aid, a talisman, a protective spell, a piece of knowledge, or a sword to the hero to help them along their quest.  The key point in using this metaphor is that the supernatural helper cannot walk the hero through the final door, that is the responsibility of the hero alone, and can only be accomplished if the lesson of personal responsibility has been imparted by you and embraced by the child.

WHAT TO DO:

Here are a few guidelines to stay focused on the goal of fostering independence and not dependency on you, as well as things to avoid:
•Avoid attempting to rebirth the child.  Just help make his or her life meaningful.  Personal realizations will occur naturally for the child.
• Don't judge what you don't understand. You are there to help the child have a life, not criticize the one he has.
• Don’t try to play with the child's reality. With the exception of abuse, the child's life is to be respected.
• Don't try to motivate a child without showing him how to do what is expected. Motivation is personal, Each individual must judge for himself when he is ready to take a risk. Readiness is for the child to judge, and not for us to push on him,
• Accept the child where he is, and understand that potential is irrelevant: Just because you think a child can do something doesn't mean he or she is ready to do it.
• Remember that the mainstream of this country is very diverse, and as a result your values and mores are not the only ones acceptable.
Mentoring and role modeling have nothing to do with loving, but everything to do with growth and actualization of the other, a.k.a. caring. It is the opportunity to help others develop personal independence.  Good luck in your new undertaking, and remember to help them enjoy the journey!  

CONTACT DR. FOURNIER

Have a question about education, education-related issues or your child’s schoolwork or homework? Ask Dr. Fournier and look for her answer in this column. E-mail your question or comment to Dr. Yvonne Fournier at drfournier@hfhw.net.

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For 30 years, Dr. Yvonne Fournier has been helping children become more successful in school. Her column, "Hassle-Free Homework," was published by Scripps Howard News Service for 20 years. She holds her doctorate in education.
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