Child Need Parents' Input even when Facing School Battles Alone

Jan. 17, 2012 - PRLog -- DEAR DR. FOURNIER:

Your columns ask parents to be advocates of our children. That is an easy statement to make, but not an easy one to carry out. The hardest thing is knowing when to step in. When should a parent intervene in school, and what do you do when your child says he doesn't want you to?

Anne F,
Nashville, TN

THE ASSESSMENT:

School is too often viewed as a child's responsibility in which parents are involved only if the child misbehaves or does not learn.

Instead of being pushed out of our children's lives, I believe that a loving parent must push their way back in. It is our responsibility to nurture and protect our children in all aspects of their lives, whether at school of at home.

When our children were little, we did everything in our power to help them as capable, worthy, valuable, and be valued. Their coloring pages became masterpieces for the refrigerator. Their counting skills were for praise and boasting.

Then we sent our children to school. As parents who love our children unconditionally we gave up control of our child's day-to-day experiences to teachers.

Then, as our children moved from grade to grade, they naturally became more independent and more socialized to the school structure. They began to separate their school life from their home life and when they encounter problems at school, they wanted to solve then only with school resources and with with school structure. This is not always possible.

School should be a process of growth that helps all children see where they are capable and where they need to challenge themselves further. School should be viewed as just one part of life's journey, at the end of which our children should perceive themselves as capable, worthy, available, and valued the same goals we started out with.

As parents, it's our role to pursue these basic objectives and provide the loving guidance to keep our children on track, both at school and at home.

We must become advocates whenever someone hurts our child's heart.

WHAT TO DO:

Talk to your children about the many personal "battles" they will face in life, including difficulties at school. 'The important thing is to fight these battles in a way to win the war. In this case, the "war" is solely if your children go through school in your loving presence at all times.

All children will face three types of battles:

1. Battles that they should face by themselves with our coaching.

2. Battles that are meant for parents to fight.

3.Battles that you turn your back on.

The first type of battle is probably the most common We want our children to learn how to resolve their own difficulties, and so we can help them strategize their battles at home.

For example, if your child believes that he answered a test question correctly but it was marked wrong, then you play the role of coach by role playing with your child how to go to the teacher and ask about the question Rather than saying, " You marked this wrong and it is right,” help your child saying instead,"' Could you please help me see why this answer is incorrect? I thought it was right because…    "

The second type of battle is the one you refer to in your letter. Parents should step in to any situation that could be destructive to your child.

For example, if your child is humiliated in class by teacher's comment, then a parent should schedule a meeting with the teacher to discuss it privately. Indeed, the teacher may have unwittingly hurt your child. With your intervention, you can help win this battle.

The third type of battle - the one that your don't fight - is also important to recognize. You don't fight these battles.

For example, if your son gets pushed in the cafeteria line, he should learn that this will only become his problem if he pushes back. Just because someone else does something inappropriate does not mean that your son can do it back. Walk away.

These three rules of battle work only if parents have the courage and determination to let their children know that the child cannot take away from them their parental responsibility. Therefore, things that happen in school are to be discussed and not solely your child's decision

Parents must be the advocates - both at home and at school - to make sure their children learn in a way that shows they are capable, worthy, valuable, and valued.

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For 30 years, Dr. Yvonne Fournier has been helping children become more successful in school. Her column, "Hassle-Free Homework," was published by Scripps Howard News Service for 20 years. She holds her doctorate in education.