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My three year old was doing really well with his new baby brother up until the last month. He was almost potty trained. He always did no. 2 in the potty and always stayed dry at school. He also was so nice at sharing toys. Now he doesn’t want his little brother to touch his toys. He has been lashing out at me for everything. I find lots of time for love and cuddles with him. He says he loves me all the time. And even calls me honey. I am sad for him. I want him to feel confident about my love for him but I worry he might lash out at the baby (8 months old and sitting-near crawling). Your last article on aggressive behavior was very helpful. Thank you in advance.
The regression in your son’s potty training is not unusual. This is the frequent course with many children. When your son has an accident, tell him that accidents sometimes happen when children have learned to use the potty and they start feeling confident about waiting a bit longer when their body tells them they have to go. In a non-punitive way, require him to strip his clothes and take them to the laundry, clean himself up and get dressed again. Also require him to wipe up any mess on the floor or surrounding area. If a couple of days of doing this does not solve the problem, utilize a magic phone call to add to the natural consequence.
When your son “lashes out at you” respond swiftly and firmly that his behavior is not acceptable. Let him know how he can appropriately express his frustration. For example, “You may not hit me. You may tell me you are angry and you can even use a loud voice, but you may not hit.”
It makes sense that your son does not want his brother to touch his toys. Make a rule that toys your three-year-old does not want to share need to stay in his room (or a more private space) and that toys in the public spaces of the house are for sharing. If the baby is playing with a toy and your older son wants it, tell him he can offer the baby another toy or wait until the baby is finished. Be careful not to ask your older son to constantly accommodate the baby, this will breed resentment. Sometimes you need to tell the baby that something belongs to his brother and he cannot have it, and then model offering the baby another toy. The baby will not understand, but your three-year-old will and he will appreciate your advocacy on his behalf.
Finally, do not feel sad for your son. Continue with your love and cuddles. Acknowledge that having a baby in the house is an adjustment for everyone. Tell him that it won’t always be as hard as it is now while the baby is so young. Offer your help and support, but no pity. He is lucky to have a brother, even if he can’t understand that right now.
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