Change Your Mindset Not Your Man
If Valentine’s Day will come without the cherishing behaviors and special attention that you want from your guy consider what you can do about it. To keep from getting another bunch of supermarket flowers or an impersonal card you will need to help him. You may erroneously believe that he is wired for relationships like you are and that if he loves you he will respond sensitively to your needs. “Not so,” says Sally Watkins, psychotherapist and author of the new book, Change Your Mindset Not Your Man (Adams Media 2009), “Men are not engineered or socialized for relationships—
Realize that he may desire to please you but is clueless about how to do it. Ask directly for what you want--let’s go to a B&B for the weekend or how about a splurge on a fancy restaurant. If he agrees let it count for just as much as if he had thought it up himself. Clip out pictures and coupons and post them with a wish list on the frig or take him shopping and try on an outfit and suggest that this would be his gift. Accept that it isn’t necessary that he read your mind or figure out what would excite you. Take the lead and remind him of your special songs and memories together.
If this doesn’t work recognize that you may be attaching too much meaning to these tangible signs of affection and that his way of loving you may be to go to a hard job, give you a break from the kids, or help out your parents. Look at the big picture and not focus on the things that disappoint you. It’s sometimes a heartbreaker for a woman to realize that her most cherished ideal of a soul mate is just a dream. But says Ms, Watkins, if you are able to do the hard job of growing up and creating more of your own fulfillment there is the greatest probability that your guy will suffice. Without the huge expectations to be your everything, even though flawed, he will be good enough. Unfortunately too many women keep trying to make him into the mythological prince and create more suffering for themselves.
Prepare your guy for the emotional support and comfort you may need and want from him. If you let him know that you just want him to listen, or hold you, or let you vent, then he will be much more able to be there for you. Without this “heads up” he may lapse into his fix it mode or defensive posture or tune out, believing that it’s something critical about him. The sensible woman suggests Ms. Watkins finds more ways to soothe and support herself and not look to a man as the “go to“ person for all her upsets.
Finally, take the focus off him and put it on you. When you star in your own life and stop being the support person in everyone else’s life you are much more attractive to him—a heroine—not the wifely nag complaining to him. Start by taking better care of yourself, do the things that give you pleasure, create important goals to work on. To find the time give up some soft addictions advises Ms. Watkins. These are the things like constant phoning, shopping, TV, video games, or anything that robs you of time and gives you nothing truly nurturing. You may be surprised to find that when you take a bigger interest in yourself he will too.
These ideas and more are described in a positive, quirky, sometimes humorous way in CHANGE YOUR MINDSET NOT YOUR MAN, Learn to Love What’s Right Instead of Trying to Fix What’s Wrong. Ms. Watkins uses examples from her own life and those of the clients she has treated in her twenty year practice as a psychotherapist to create a refreshing new study of relationship problems and a surprising way to resolve them
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