Why Nice Guys & Gals Finish Last

Feb. 4, 2009 - PRLog -- There is a difference between a nice guy or gal (henceforth, “guy” will apply to both) and a guy that is kind, respectful, generous, and that gets what he or she wants out of life. Are you tired of being passed up for promotions while doing all the work? Have you heard, “let's just be friends" from romantic interests one too many times? Do you have time for everyone else with no time for yourself?  Do you believe that you can't be a good person AND get ahead in life? Listen, you don't have to be a jerk to get what you want.  You also don’t have to be a push over.  

Here are 5 things to consider to finish in first place without sacrificing good nature.

1. Choose Truth Over Image

Nice guys want to be perceived as nice guys in every situation, all the time, and with all people. This need to support an image drives the nice guy to hide his or her sometimes not so nice opinions, even when he is in the right. Unfortunately, it is during times when a nice guy refuses to stand up for himself by choosing to grin and bear it that he establishes himself as a push over.

Rather than focusing on protecting your image, focus instead on expressing your true thoughts and feelings at the right times. You can stand up for yourself in a polite and respectful manner. When that doesn't work, you can also be a more assertive while remaining calm and still be regarded as nice. People expect you to stand up for yourself. When you don't, people's perception of you will change from nice guy to pushover.

2. Exude Personal Authority

You have to become a person of strength and character. Strength of this nature is rooted in self -confidence and high self-esteem. The natural expression of this inner confidence is personal authority.

Personal authority is that critical element that is often key in attraction.  Employers look for it when hiring.  Customers look for it to gain a sense of security and trust.  Social groups look for personal authority in leaders for direction and stability. With personal authority, people will want to be around you.  You will be seen as the “go to” guy, and personal authority allows you choice when dating.

With personal authority, you have the self worth to go after what you want.  Others want to help you because they respect you.  All the while, you maintain a positive perception from others. You can be a great person with high integrity and a deep seeded need to do the right thing while expressing inner strength through personal authority. In fact, true personal authority can be present only if you are a good person.

3. Stop Seeking Validation

Nice guys perpetually seek validation from other people.  They believe their self worth is rooted in other people's opinion of them.  They want to be viewed as being nice. The problem is that other people will actively hold back that validation to get what they want from a nice guy. As a nice guy, other people get you to do what they want with the prize of you being recognized as a nice guy, whether you really wanted to do what you did or not.

You don't need other people to tell you that you are a nice guy. If you know that you are doing the best you can with what you have to help those around you and you treat people with respect, then recognize that in yourself. That is enough. When you turn to yourself for such validation, it will also loop back into building your personal authority. Rather than thinking you are a good person, you'll know that you are a good person. Once you truly know it, no one can take that away from you.

4. Get Comfortable With "No"

The word "no" to a nice guy is like kryptonite to Superman! Saying yes to every request is a hallmark of being a nice guy, and a corner stone to their perception illusion strategy. So, why can't a nice guy say no?

Nice guys view "no" as rejection, which is the very thing nice guys are trying to avoid by being nice. So, they say yes to everything, even when they are blatantly being taken advantage of, so they can continue the perception of being nice by not rejecting anyone. Nice guys need to understand that saying no to a request is perfectly acceptable. Reasons stemming from time constraints to knowing they are being taken advantage of are acceptable reasons for saying no. Remember, just because you reject the request doesn't mean you are rejecting the person!

The other thing is that nice guys get rejected anyway, despite always going above and beyond for others. When a nice guy says yes to everything he is asked to do, he is being a pushover and will be treated as such. So, when the nice guy asks for a favor, promotion, date or assistance, they are often rejected. People feel comfortable rejecting nice guys because they know the nice guy will accept that rejection…well...nicely!  Also, the nice guy will always be valued as less in other people's eyes, which is the very reason others feel comfortable taking advantage of them.

When you really can't or don't want to do something someone asks you to do, respectfully decline without a moment's guilt. You'll feel even better about the times you say yes, because those actions will flow from your heart and not from perception manipulation or rejection avoidance.

5. Don't Shy Away From Conflict

Last, but certainly not least, don’t shy away from conflict.  Wherever there are people, there will be conflict.  Opinions differ.  Thoughts and feelings vary.  Emotions sometime run high.  Regardless of how nice you are or how much you want to avoid conflict, it will find you.  Don’t shy away from it, surrender without so much as a whisper, or allow yourself to be taken advantage of.  Stand up for yourself with calmness and assertive.  Standing up for yourself does not mean that you are not a nice guy.  It just means that you have an opinion or feeling that is worth hearing.   By keeping it to yourself, you miss an opportunity to express the truth about how you feel in that moment.  

Conflict doesn’t have to mean yelling, chastising, criticizing or being disrespectful.  Conflict simply means that there is disagreement or a clash between ideas, beliefs or people.  Standing up for yourself and your position is a great way to get the respect nice guys so desperately attempt to receive by just going along to get along.

Conflict is natural and will occur.  How you address it will help in defining you to others.  Do you want to be defined as a push over?  Would you rather be defined as one who can “hold their own, ” and get what you want out of life with integrity and respect?  Perhaps the first choice one can make on their track to being rehabilitated as a nice guy is to make this decision to change.

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Spiritual Individual.com is a free weekly newsletter dedicated to discussing issues through the lens of self help, wisdom, philosophy and spirituality. The newsletter is published by James LeGrand. He is the author of "Evolve!", an Amazon.com best seller in Religion and Spirituality, a life coach, Fortune 500 Vice President, and a Sifu in Shaolin Kungfu, which has been known for centuries as a pathway to spiritual enlightenment.