In a world full of smooth talkers, good listeners are rare treasures indeed. So forget the flowers and candy - if you want to create a more intimate relationship, learn to listen.
Whether dating or married, people in healthy relationships listen to one another. In his new book, Marriage: A Simple Guide to Success, Dr. Kelley Brigman points out that communication is our most important intimacy-building tool. Listening, he says, is the often overlooked part of communication that helps people feel important, appreciated, and emotionally close.
People who love one another make the effort to know one another. They take the time to find out the details of one another’s lives. They know their partner’s hopes and goals, the things that make them happy and sad, their dreams and fears and their likes and dislikes.
“Real intimacy requires that we get to know one another,” Brigman explains. To learn those things about your date - or your spouse - you have to listen.
Listening also leads to intimacy by reinforcing shared visions and avoiding “unholy bargains” or expectations that only one member of the partnership understands. Too often, Brigman says, we get involved in relationships without clearly articulating a vision for our future as a couple. If our expectations for that future don’t match well, partners can come to feel misunderstood and as though they have nothing in common. Listening allows us to hear those expectations and respond accordingly.
Carping Counts
But the truth is, sometimes it is just plain hard to listen to those expectations or dislikes - especially when they relate to you. Resolving conflict requires good communication - we have to be able to articulate our concerns and needs - but nothing is more important for resolving couple conflict than listening to one another.
One way of learning what is going on with your partner is through what Dr. Brigman calls “carp therapy” or just listening to anything your partner is “carping” about.
Good listening is the most important tool we have for resolving couple conflicts, Brigman says. By listening carefully to what our partner grumbles about - without striking back with a flood of complaints of our own, we begin to understand the problems that lie behind those complaints.
When we understand the problems, we can respond positively by saying “I’ll change that, I’ll quit doing that, I’ll try to remember, or what would work better for you?” he explains.
The next time you are stuck in conflict, try Brigman’s suggestions:
To see other tips for a successful relationship, check out the ideas at http://www.MarriageAGuide.com. Readers are invited to share their stories of success and to read the success stories others have submitted. Go to http://www.MarriageAGuide.com and click on “Leave a Story.”
