"The best resource I have ever used was the book, Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelson," shares Twalla Robertson.
And Twalla should know. She is now part of the Bacolas family "Brady Bunch". Twalla Robertson married Michael Bacolas in August, 2007. Michael has 4 children from a previous marriage: Michael Jr, age 21; Christopher, age 19; Amanda, age 17; and, Jennifer, age 16. Add her own daughter, Kalin, to the mix, that makes 5. But wait…in May, 2008, Twalla and Michael gave birth to their new son, Daniel Patrick. Twalla Robertson has been a busy camper in 2008.
That makes 6 children! How did Twalla Robertson adjust from one child to six?
"I adjusted by following the book Positive Discipline…and it works!," exclaims Twalla.
"I like the focus of Adlerian/Dreikursian psychology Jane Nelson uses in her book," Ms. Robertson states.
Adlerian/Dreikursian psychology embraces the theory that children will move toward cooperation when they sense that the adult cares about them and treats them with respect and dignity. Connection before correction has been said many ways in Adlerian/Dreikursian psychology and in Positive Discipline.
"It's real simple," shares Twalla. "Just follow the following steps and you have a happy family (and you keep your sanity):
* Make sure the message of love gets through.
* (For teachers, start with a message of caring.)
* Create closeness and trust instead of distance and hostility.
* Children need encouragement like a plant needs water.
* A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.
* Make sure children know you are on their side.
* Children do better when they feel better.
* When in doubt, try a hug.
* The primary goal of all children (and all people) is belonging and significance.
* Children need to feel needed.
* Treat children with dignity and respect.
* Children will listen to you after they feel listened to.
* Focus on respectful solutions that involve everyone concerned.
* Be kind and firm at the same time.
* Win children over instead of trying to win over children.
The list could go on and on. All of these suggestions help create a connection. When children feel connected they are more open to kind and firm correction —especially when they are involved in creating a solution that is respectful to everyone.
"It worked in my family…it can work in yours!" Twalla Robertson proudly endorses the book.
One of my favorite stories in Positive Discipline in the Classroom is about Dave Nelson, a 5th grade teacher who was not having any success with Todd —no matter how much or how often he punished Todd for his behavior. Mr. Nelson tried making Todd write sentences saying, "I will not lose my tempter in the classroom." Todd refused. Mr. Nelson tried making Todd stand outside the classroom for a punitive time-out. Todd continued to be disruptive by looking through the classroom windows and pulling faces. Mr. Nelson tried sending notes home to the parents, who wrote back and said, "If you can make him control his temper at home, we'll come to the classroom and see what we can do."
Finally, Mr. Nelson tried the Four Steps for Winning Cooperation:
1. Express understanding for the child's feelings. Be sure to check with him to see if you are right.
2. Show empathy without condoning. Empathy does not mean you agree or condone. It simply means you understand the child's perception. A nice touch here is to share times when you have felt or behaved similarly.
3. Share your feelings and perceptions. If the first two steps have been done in a sincere and friendly manner, the child will be ready to listen to you.
4. Invite the child to focus on a solution. Ask if he has any ideas on what to do in the future to avoid the problem. If he doesn't, offer some suggestions and seek his agreement.
"This was my favorite example Jane Nelson uses," shares Twalla.
Twalla Robertson strongly encourages all parents use these parenting techniques as viable alternatives to spanking children, or using the laizze faire approach…which doesn't work.
