Driving, Finances, Independence, Romance Among the Topics
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. – Your dad’s neighbor just called to tell you that your 79-year-old father sideswiped his parked vehicle and nearly hit a child standing nearby. Was it an isolated slip-up or a sign that it’s time for your dad to think about giving up his car keys? More importantly, how do you begin the discussion about such a potentially volatile subject?
Communication hurdles on sensitive issues like this can best be overcome by following the new 40-70 Rule, according to a first-of-its-
“Lack of communication can lead to misuse of medications, self-neglect and accidents,” said Marti Cruz, owner of the local Home Instead Senior Care office in Walnut Creek serving seniors in Central Contra Costa County. “Our goal is to educate the public about the 40-70 Rule and practical ways for adult children to talk to their parents now about topics such as driving, finances, independence and even romance.”
The research, which surveyed baby boomers 45 to 65 years of age in the U.S. and Canada, showed that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the child-parent, rather than a peer-to-peer, role.
“Because of this obstacle, adult children may wait until an emergency or crisis happens before talking to parents,” said Cruz. “It’s best to open up the dialogue early.”
More than half of the adult children surveyed who still see themselves in the child-parent role have the most difficulty talking to their parents about whether it’s time for the parent to leave home. Their parents’ desire to remain independent makes it challenging to address such sensitive issues as health (28 percent) and money (21 percent), too.
Half of the respondents were interested in learning more about their parents’ cognitive condition. Are memory lapses indications of early-stage Alzheimer’s or simply senior moments? Forty-
“A gentle inquiry such as, ‘It seems you’ve been seeing quite a bit of Fran recently,’ is appropriate,”
At the center of the 40-70 Rule campaign is a guide of conversation starters for sensitive senior-care subjects, compiled with Harwood’s help. The free guide, available at the Home Instead Senior Care office in Walnut Creek, features possible responses to some of the most awkward senior subjects.
“When talking with parents about driving, for instance, approach the topic with care and don’t automatically assume it’s time to take the keys,” said Harwood. “If there’s been an accident, ask what happened and then take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge skills and deficits.”
If your parents acknowledge a problem on this issue or others, ask what they think would be good solutions, he said. Avoid patronizing speech or baby talk that may put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect.
To help ease the tension, adult children should analyze their relationship with the
parents and perhaps make some changes, said Hardwood.
“If an adult child always turns first to the parent in times of trouble or crisis, then they can expect the parent to continue acting out the parenting role,” he said. “But if the child becomes truly independent and stops acting out these behaviors, then the parent may be more likely to relinquish the parent role.”
Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person, said Cruz. Good communication is vital to helping families know when it’s time to seek additional resources, for example, the help of a professional caregiver.
The bottom line is to keep talking, because the parent-child conversation can be so important in helping seniors adapt to changing life circumstances, she said.
For the 40-70 Rule guide, contact Home Instead Senior Care in Walnut Creek at (925) 280-9688 or mcruz@seniorsbayarea.com. For additional research results, log on to http://www.4070talk.com or http://www.seniorsbayarea.com.
