Paul F. Davis in Washington DC / www.PaulFDavis.com
Dr. Laura Schlessinger has never been one to shrink from controversy, and she leaped headlong into one when she said that if a husband cheats, his wife may share some of the blame.
“When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like her hero, he’s very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs,” the popular psychologist and radio personality said.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger made the remarks while participating in one of several panel discussions on TODAY dealing with the breaking news that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer had been connected to a high-priced prostitution ring.
MSNBC reported the comment touched off a storm of protest, both from other members of the panels and from viewers, who flooded the show’s online mailboxes with mostly conflicting views.
Schlessinger later emphasized that she was not excusing Spitzer’s behavior. Nor, she said, was she saying that his wife, Silda Spitzer, was in some way to blame for his indiscretion.
“I do not know anything about their personal lives,” she said.
But, she persisted, frequently when there is infidelity in marriage, both spouses share the blame.
“You’re saying the women should feel guilty that they somehow drove the man to cheat?” asked TODAY co-host Meredith Vieira.
“The cheating was his decision to repair what’s damaged and to feed himself where he’s starving,” Schlessinger replied. “But, yes, I hold women responsible for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.”
Dina Matos, who had stood by the side of her former husband, then-New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey, when he announced in 2004 that he had conducted a homosexual affair with one of his advisers, took strong exception.
“This is absurd,” she said. “It’s just like blaming a rape victim. And we see this all too often. It’s just insanity.”
In a final appearance with TODAY’s Ann Curry and Hoda Kotb, Schlessinger stuck to her guns.
“The point is, what he’s done is wrong. The point is, what she’s done is wrong,” she said. “I have kept marriages together after affairs because I have reminded women that you have the power to turn this around. He had his children with you. He has his future life plans with you, his dreams, his whole mind, body and soul was wrapped up in the promise of you. If you now turn that back on, all that stuff you turned off because ‘I’m busy’ or ‘I’m irritated’ or ‘I’m annoyed’ or ‘I’m self-centered’
Dr. Laura said that there are reasons why men look outside the marriage for sex and companionship. “I would challenge the wife to find out what kind of wife she’s being,” she said. “Is she being supportive and approving and loving? Is she being sexually intimate and affectionate?
Schlessinger said later in the show that there are some instances in which it doesn’t matter what the wife does.
“If he’s sociopathic or narcissistic, all bets are off,” she said. “The woman can be the best person in the world, and he’s going to be a jerk.”
But most men aren’t like that, she said, adding, “The average husband longs for one thing, and that’s to be special to his woman.”
Kotb asked Dr. Laura if she would stand by her husband as Silda Spitzer and Matos did by theirs in a similar situation.
“If I had been a truly loving, caretaking, supportive wife, and my husband did such an egregious thing, his butt would be standing there by itself,” Schlessinger replied.
Paul F. Davis a former victim of adultery himself and author of Adultery 101 agrees in part with Dr. Laura as he himself was a workaholic who later came to the realization that he had been neglecting his wife's emotional needs. Nevertheless because his wife of 5 years remained unrepentant, failed to attend marital counseling sessions, and continued to befriend the boys, Davis author of Breakthrough For A Broken Heart divorced within two months of learning about the affair.
Davis an international speaker and love coach says, "Marriage takes two to tango and it's more than playing the blame game. Each individually must take responsibility for their actions effecting the two together collectively. Nevertheless adultery is an extremely hurtful and selfish act that devastates the betrayed spouse."
Paul F. Davis is the author of 12 books, two nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. Paul has appeared on numerous internationally broadcast radio shows from Oprah & Friends to Fox News Radio to talk about conflict resolution, peacemaking, sexuality, love, and marriage.
Playboy Radio host Tiffany Granath calls Paul an "awesome" relational coach and recommends his books on love, dating, and sexuality.
Among Paul's other relational books are:
- Adultery: 101 Reasons Not to Cheat
- Breakthrough For A Broken Heart
- Stop Lusting & Start Living
- Are You Ready For True Love?
- Almighty Matchmaker
- Poems That Propel The Planet - Love, Liberation & Reconciliation
Paul empowers people to love passionately and live fearlessly.
Contact Paul for life & love coaching to empower you and achieve dream fulfillment!
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www.PaulFDavis.com
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